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Questions from A Birthmother to Birthfathers

posted by Linda Schellentrager on Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I am curious about the birthfather's perspective within the story of adoption. We hear so little from them. So I ask these following questions to the birthfathers.

What were your thoughts when you first discovered your girlfriend was pregnant? Who made the decision to place your baby for adoption? Was abortion legal at that time and was it ever considered? Were you too young to support having a baby?

Did your parents know about the pregnancy? Were they the ones who made the decision for you? Did your girlfriend’s parents know you? Did they know your family? Did her parents tell you to never see your girlfriend ever again? How did that make you feel? What did you do?

Were you allowed to “be there” for your girlfriend when she went through the pregnancy, the delivery, the adoption? Did you sign the papers, too? Was your name on the birth certificate?

Or were you one of the birthfathers who “walked away” like so many did claiming no responsibility for their part in impregnating their girlfriend. Was that you? How did it feel? Tell us your side.

And there are those who do not even know they have a child somewhere out in the world because they were never even told. Is that fair to them? Do they have a right to know?

Did you ever question your girlfriend and ask her if she was sure that you were the father? How did she respond to you? Tell us how you felt then. What did you think about? Did you love your girlfriend or was she simply someone you dated briefly?

How do you feel about the birthmother today? Is she a part of your life? Has she been in your life since the adoption? Did you marry her? Did you marry someone else? Did you tell your wife about your “other child” before you married her? How about other children... did you have more children? Did you tell them about their sibling living out there somewhere? Did you think about your baby over the years? Did you wonder how they were, who they had become?

Have you had a reunion with your adult child? Who searched, you or the birthmother or your child? What kind of a reunion do you have? Do you see your son/daughter regularly? Do you talk to your family members and/or friends about your child? How do they respond when they hear you are a birthfather? Are they happy for you or do they judge you?

Are you aware of the pain and sadness the birthmother went through after relinquishing your baby? Do you ever wish you could have kept your baby? Have you ever felt you weren’t “man enough” to step up and handle the situation differently even though you were probably very young at the time? Were you scared?

I hope some of these questions and comments will inspire birthfathers to share their story I want to hear more about the birthfather’s side to help me understand another part of this complicated process called adoption.
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2 Comment(s)


Lori McCarthy said: 

I brought my birth father to an ANC event once. There was a lot of talk about the birth mothers, the adoptees and the adoptive parents. He turned, looked at me and said, "What about us fathers? We have feelings too."
April 18, 2012 at 6:21 PM

Ah, again though I'm from an eirealr era I relate. I think a certain synchronicity occurs among the bloggers as I had drafted a post about a similar topic. There are those who will tell you how to speak (i.e. don't use the term birthmother ) ju said: 

Ah, again though I'm from an eirealr era I relate. I think a certain synchronicity occurs among the bloggers as I had drafted a post about a similar topic. There are those who will tell you how to speak (i.e. don't use the term birthmother ) just as there were those who told you what words to use or avoid in the beginning. Though I believe language is powerful, there are bigger fish to fry. For what it's worth, I think you're already on the right track in framing your own experience with whatever language works best for you.
June 20, 2012 at 2:37 PM
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